Posted: 10 May
Many of the clients I work with have grown up knowing that they are different to the rest of their family.
Meet Karl – As I’m going through his childhood and family history in our session, he says to me.
“I’ve always been the odd one out in my family. I’m definitely the black sheep.”
When I dig a little deeper it does seem obvious that he is very different to the rest of his family.
But not necessarily in a bad way…
As children we don’t want to be different.
We want to fit in.
We want to feel as if we’re an integral part of our family tribe.
To feel that we have our place.
We belong.
It makes us feel comfortable, safe and loved.
Millions of years ago, if we were cast out or came adrift from our tribe it would mean certain death.
Either we would starve to death or we would be eaten by a wild animal.
This is why rejection still feels painful.
It’s a throwback from those days.
It might be millions of years ago, but our prehistoric brains haven’t forgotten.
When you’re different to your tribe, it can make you feel that you’re not quite “right” somehow.
Like an ugly duckling.
You ask yourself “Why are they so different to me?”
As a child your differences can make you feel uncomfortable and unsettled.
You start to have the feeling that you just don’t really belong.
You’re a cuckoo in the nest.
The stork dropped you off at the wrong house…
Maybe you’re more maverick and adventurous, but no-one else in the family is – they’re more safe and conservative.
Or you’re very positive, but the rest of the family is more negative or cynical.
Or vice versa.
Maybe they pushed you into a certain profession, because it worked for them, but you long to have a totally different profession.
Some of us will try to adapt ourselves, pushing down our desires and pretending we’re more like the rest of the family.
We might even give their ideas a try for a while…
But we become a square peg in a round hole in order to just fit in.
I call it bending yourself into a pretzel.
This is never going to feel easy or comfortable, because you’re not living as your authentic self.
It’s going to be hard work.
Some particularly sensitive people will continue to do this for the rest of their lives.
Adapting themselves to their surroundings, so they NEVER live as their true, authentic selves.
Other people eventually have no choice but to break away and live their own life in their own way.
BUT there’s a sadness that often stays with them – that they’re different from the rest of their tribe.
They feel like an outsider.
They feel that their siblings are more understood or included or loved than they are.
Ultimately this can lead to them becoming a lone wolf, closing themselves off emotionally.
Shutting a part of themselves off, so that they can live the way they want to live.
Different from their tribe.
Now I’m very lucky in that the vast majority of clients I attract are very good people.
We often form a strong rapport straight away.
I find them to be well-meaning, kind, people.
Karl is one of these people.
He describes his differences to me, his family dynamic, and it’s very obvious to me that he IS different.
But he’s actually “wrong” in the right way.
In his case, and in many other cases the parents/other siblings are very negative or narcissistic or depressive or overly cautious, or a number of unhealthy things.
When this is the case, it’s very obvious to me that my client IS the odd one out, but in the RIGHT way.
Often they’re the only mentally healthy one in the family!
He’s actually not a black sheep at all but a GOLDEN SHEEP!
I’d just like to say at this point, I have nothing against black sheep, they are actually very cute.
But the name just has bad connotations.
Collins dictionary defines black sheep as people who are considered bad or worthless by other people in the family.
Poor black sheep!
Now I’m not here to bash anyone’s parents. (I say this ALL the time).
Most of us love our parents dearly.
BUT so often it’s them that mess us up.
They don’t mean to, they really love us (in the vast majority of cases), but they just don’t know how to do a better job.
They probably didn’t have ideal parenting either.
And all children are different.
Just when you think you’ve cracked this parenting lark out comes one that is totally different to the others.
Probably as many as 90% of my clients have had parenting that didn’t suit them.
It’s far from an ideal start in life.
One of the things I talk about endlessly is that we have to live as our true, genuine, authentic selves if we want to be happy and fulfilled.
We shouldn’t ever be bending ourselves into a pretzel.
EVER!
As you know, bend a pretzel too far and it snaps!
The world needs YOU in your fullest essence, not a poor copy of someone else.
In the Art or Antique world an original is always worth far more than a copy.
So the message I want to convey in this blog is – if, like Karl, you’ve always thought of yourself (or even been called) the black sheep of the family, ask yourself – are you actually the GOLDEN SHEEP?
If so, it’s time to embrace your golden goodness, your unique differences and live as the person you TRULY are.
Once and for all.
No more shutting yourself off emotionally.
It’s time to celebrate your differences.
You’re not that ugly duckling anymore.
You still have your original family tribe, but you can start your own new tribe too.
A tribe where you fit in perfectly.
Your swan tribe.
If you’d like some help with this then complete the form on my contact page.