Posted: 10 Jun
Emotions – we all have them, but lots of us try not to feel, show or express them!
If you’re thinking emotions ugh! You might like to read on…
If you grew up in a family where it wasn’t safe to express your emotions or emotions weren’t honoured or validated in your household, then you’re not likely to feel comfortable with them now.
You may have been mocked, punished or even shamed for showing “too much” emotion as a child.
If this is the case you’re definitely not going to find it easy (or even possible) to express them now.
Also Society has given men the notion that having emotions is weak or unmanly.
Stiff upper lip, be a man, not a wimp and all that…
If a woman cries she usually receives a hug and a tissue. If a man cries most people back out of the room and leave him to it. What terrible double standards.
Men have just as many emotions as women do, but you would probably never know it.
It’s not strong to always keep your emotions hidden, despite what you’ve been led to believe, and it may even be one of the reasons why male suicide is so high.
Burying emotions, in my opinion, is one of the biggest causes of depression.
I’ve worked with many, many depressed men, the majority of whom didn’t want to “burden” anyone with their feelings/emotions.
I believe when negative emotions are buried they rust or rot you on the inside and this can lead to heartburn, indigestion, ulcers and even worse.
These buried emotions can’t be drank, drugged, sexed or exercised away.
Not expressing your emotions is the cause of many a broken relationship too.
When you hide or don’t feel your emotions you don’t fully feel your happiness or joy either.
There are many different nuances of emotions, so many it can be overwhelming.
There are literally 1000’s of different ones.
For the purposes of this blog I’d like to stick with just the main 6.
Happy, Sad, Angry, Scared, Disgusted and Surprised.
Emotions are simply Energy in motion. They are messengers. Drawing our attention to something we need to be aware of.
If you’re used to avoiding your feelings/emotions then as soon as you feel something unwanted or uncomfortable you’ll distract yourself to chase it away.
You’ll push it down, sweep it under the carpet or try to bury it in any way you can.
Busying yourself with work or whatever else needs doing.
Emotions don’t go away; they go underground, but then they resurface again when you least expect it.
Like a Jack-in-the-Box. They want their message to be heard. If you ignore the message they will only shout it louder and louder until they’ve got your attention.
You can’t think an emotion, you have to feel it.
When a feeling comes up don’t chase it away or bury it. Feel it, sit with it. Try to make friends with it. Try to decipher its message.
Be the detective.
It may feel uncomfortable if you’re not used to it, but it won’t kill you. I promise.
Get into the habit of sitting quietly for 5 minutes every day focusing on your body.
Your body doesn’t lie in the way your mind can.
Ask yourself where in my body can I feel a feeling/some emotion.
You can be so used to suppressing and resisting your emotions that at first you’ll feel nothing; just numb, but persevere.
You can feel emotion in any part of your body but most commonly it’s felt in your stomach, chest, throat and head.
A feeling in your head is different to a thought in your head.
Positive emotions have very fast moving energy.
Negative emotions have slower moving energy and can get stuck more easily.
Remember emotions are just messengers trying to tell you something.
You might have an ache in your head, a knot in your stomach, a heavy heart, a tight throat or a clenched jaw.
Once you feel the feeling, examine it, try to identify it.
Which of the main 6 is it?
Is that feeling happy, sad, angry, scared, disgusted or surprised?
Most feelings can be covered by these 6 but if you can identify another feeling instead that’s fine.
Most of us can recognise happy easily enough, but if you’ve grown up or are living in an unhappy environment even happiness can feel alien to you.
Once you’ve found where the feeling is in your body and you’ve named it, stay with it and listen for its message.
You MUST stay with it in order to process it.
Take some deep breaths, breathe slowly.
Try to be curious, don’t judge or guilt yourself for feeling what you’re feeling.
You can feel the feeling, look at it, or even talk to it.
If it helps, give it a colour or a texture.
It could be black and heavy or red and spiky.
Don’t intellectualise it, just accept whatever comes up.
Pick it apart until you can hear its message.
Sometimes you need to act on what it’s telling you, sometimes you just need to acknowledge it’s message then let it go so it doesn’t stay trapped in your body.
Take as long as you need if this is all new to you.
Really shine a light on the message it’s giving you.
Your feeling may be telling you:-
– You have some unmet needs to address? Something you need to say to someone?
– That you feel lonely, disrespected, unfulfilled or frustrated and you need to make some changes in your life?
– That a boundary has been violated by someone?
– That you need to sort out a health or addiction issue?
Is this emotion triggering some kind of childhood memory?
Has there been a time in your life when you’ve felt like this before?
Does this feeling give you emotional pain?
You may need to forgive yourself for something. Or someone else.
You might need to get something off your chest to someone or make some changes to certain aspects of your life you’ve been neglecting.
You might have to re-assert some boundaries if they’re being violated in some way.
Maybe you are violating someone else’s boundaries and your feeling is guilt.
If it helps you can journal on your feelings.
Or voice-record your thoughts into your phone.
You might want to write a letter to someone, even if you never send it.
Just the act of writing it will sometimes be enough for you to let go of the emotion.
You may choose to see a professional to work through your feelings more.
Especially if they bring up emotional pain.
You would see a GP if you had a physical pain so why not a therapist or coach if you have an emotional pain?
Feeling emotions in a healthy way is one of the keys to psychological wellbeing.
They add colour and richness to your life.
A life without emotion is often a life in black and white.
DON’T stuff them down or sweep them under the carpet anymore.
THEY DON’T LIKE IT!
Processing emotions helps you to let go of the baggage of the past.
When you boost your emotional intelligence, you boost your happiness levels too.
Question every feeling that comes up.
Be the detective.
If you FEEL then you can HEAL.