Posted: 10 May
This is the second in a series of blogs based around the book The 5 Love Languages – The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman.
If you haven’t already, I’d like you to read my first blog on the topic – Physical Touch.
Investing a few minutes reading and absorbing these blogs could pay huge dividends…reaping amazing rewards in your love life.
Let’s face it, most of us are NOT taught how to love properly.
Family don’t always teach us, and we certainly didn’t learn it in school.
And if we do grow up in a loving household (which many of us don’t) our new partner may love in a completely different way to the way that we’re used to, which can leave us feeling baffled.
Each new partner is a whole new ball-game.
You may already have formed the opinion that you’re not very good at love.
You may have even given up trying.
Deciding that REAL love just isn’t available for you.
It’s something that other people have, but not you.
So let’s take a look at the Quality Time Love Language…
Time is our greatest ever commodity.
We all have the same 24 hours or 1440 minutes or 86440 seconds in a day.
ALL of us.
Time can’t be rolled over or stock piled.
It can’t be stolen or transferred into another account and it can’t be bought.
Even the really rich can’t buy any more seconds for their day.
And so many things compete for our time:-
Our job/business
Our commute
Our workout
Our household/family responsibilities
Our kids, if we have them
Our hobbies and pastimes
Our time really is precious.
And the same will be the case for your partner.
But if Quality Time is yours or your partner’s primary Love Language (take the quiz at www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes) then spending precious one on one time together could make a world of difference to your relationship and your happiness levels.
The clue to Quality Time is in the title – Quality.
That’s not time together watching TV or on your phone or while you or your partner are doing something else.
It’s Quality Time.
It must be focused attention.
Quality time is not just spending time in close proximity….being in the same room together, and it’s not necessarily just sitting gazing into each other’s eyes either.
It means doing something together and giving your full attention to each other.
It’s going for a walk and having a conversation about each other’s day, or making plans to do some nice things together in the future.
No distractions.
It’s sharing a cup or glass of something nice in the garden at the end of a hectic day.
No phones in sight.
It’s enjoying a meal together where you both savour the food, the atmosphere and each other’s company.
It’s having breakfast in bed together, feeling relaxed and close to each other – planning the day ahead.
It could be a game of tennis, golf, or a spa day together.
It’s all about the emotional bonding, not just who won the game.
It may be singing your heads off at a concert.
It could be a weekend away or a trip together…having shared experiences, that you can talk about long into the future. Making memories together.
It’s any kind of activity where you fully enjoy each other’s company – like you did when you first met.
Doing things that you enjoy and then being willing to swap over and do things that your partner enjoys.
Quality time communicates that you care about each other, that you enjoy being with each other and that you like doing things together.
Make it like you’re dating again.
If you’re definitely with the right partner/spouse then it’s essential to make time for these activities.
The payback is immense.
You need to engage in quality conversations – these are conversations where you both talk and listen empathically and equally.
Asking questions and listening with a view to really understanding your partner.
Not just listening so you can respond.
So many men struggle with this kind of conversation.
It was one of the biggest causes of divorce that I saw in my divorce coaching business.
Women felt let down and neglected because their man just could not express his emotions or listen empathically without offering (often unwanted) advice.
She never felt heard or understood.
The man just could not or would not open up and reveal his feelings, so there was a lack of real intimacy (in-to-me-see).
Without intimacy, needs weren’t met and the love that had been there died.
More often that not, it’s not your fault.
Men are taught from a very young age to deny their feelings.
Most have lost touch with their emotional selves.
There’s a big difference between expressing your feelings and voicing your thoughts.
These skills can be learned and developed like any other skill.
You just have to have a willingness to try.
If you’re ready to learn these really crucial emotional skills then the Happy Man Method may be for you.
Mastering your emotions is step 2 of the Method.
P.S. Your children love to have your Quality Time too.
Your focused attention means the world to them.
This will improve your relationship with your children so much.
If you missed out on this when you were a child don’t let history repeat itself with your kids.